no more babies

Well the end of baby making as we know it may be over here in a few days.  Joe is going in for the big V on friday, and I really dont know what to make of it.  I am happy with the size of our family, I think that 3 is the ideal number for us, but what if down the road I want another one, a reversal is kind of out of the question because it is expensive and the dr said that the way he does it is pretty perminant.  I keep telling myself that once my brothers have babies I will have it out of my system, but I see Elyse getting bigger, and I miss her as a baby.  Im not a big fan of being pregnant but there is something about the whole process that makes you feel so good.  You grow a baby in you, its an amazing thing, aside from the morning sickness, being tired, crabby, emotional and all that jazz.  But when you feel that baby move inside of you it just makes you feel all warm inside.  And after those 9 months getting to see that baby is the best feeling in the world!  So I guess that part of my life is over (or soon will be) but a part of me might miss the possibility of all that happening again kinda makes me a bit sad.

On a side note, Amanda is pregnant, which is exciting, a bit weird thinking that my baby brother is going to have a baby!  He is going to make such an amazing father, and I am glad that he found someone that wants to start a family. They are going to make great parents!

sometimes its like fitting a square peg in a round hole

There has been a lot of tension lately between Joe and I, and I really dont know what is going on with us.  We fight about little stuff and get annoyed with each other, but lately it has been pretty bad.  We have gotten into 2 huge fights over the past month.  I dont know what to do anymore, its like we have hit a brick wall and we keep on arguing about it instead of doing something about it.  I wish that I could say that we love spending every second togther, and that we are the "perfect" couple, but we arent, never have been probably never will be.  We are happy together and I see us growing old and grey together, but I just wish that I could figure out what is going on inside of his head.  He says that he doesnt feel like himself, and he just is BLA all the time, and I guess I can understand where he is coming from with that.  I just am tired of being his doormat, he walks all over me, treats me like shit, and half the time he seems like he wants nothing to do with me, for instance, for our anniversary we went out to dinner, half the time he was playing in his blackberry, I dont know what to do, cause if I bring it up I am the bad guy, but if I dont he continues to do it as if its no big deal.  

ARRRR, I am just so frusterated!

life

what can i say, my life is not what i expected it to be thats for sure.  i have always been a very independent person, i tried not to depend on a man in my life, i was always really close with a small group of friends, but had a ton of friends that i hung out with always.  as i look back at my past and look onto my future i think that this is not ANYTHING what i expected my life to be.  i have never thought that i would have had a family and a husband when i was this young...honestly i never thought that i would find someone that would stick it out with me, i had this way of making guys disapear, or was a launching pad for their true love.  every guy i was ever with bj (before joe)  cheated on me or left me for another girl, and i could never figure out why.  then i started to look back on all my relationships (friendships and boyfriends)  i will not fight for a relationship, i shouldnt have to, i shouldnt have to win someone over to be their friend or girlfriend. i was always so laid back and let people pretty much walk all over me.  and at the end of the day even if they did me wrong, if they called me i would be there for them.  i dont know why but thats just the person i was.  then i met joe, and he was different, he told me what he was thinking, he never let his feelings go unexpressed, and he was never sorry for anything he did...he was my polar opposite.  he was very open with me from the begining, and i knew from the beginning that he would be the one that i spent the rest of my life with.  when i got pregnant with the boys a lot changed, our relationship went from fun to very serious and somewhat stressful. i had never been serious with a guy before, at this point was usually the time one of us bailed and that was that.  but now i had a reason to stick it out or at least try to, i had two babies that i needed to try to make it work.  i can honestly say that if i wouldnt have gotten pregnant i dont think that we would have stayed together, i think that i would have ended it, but i think that there was a good reason why we were in the situation that we were in (aside from the fact that bc wasnt our forte) i think that we make each other better people, and that had things not worked out the way that they did we wouldnt be happy.

wow

Been a weird few weeks, Joe and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary, which it has honestly felt like we have been married for much longer, which I dont know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. We actually got to go out to dinner with no children!  But when we arrived at the resturant there were like 10 kids in our section and all of them were pretty aggrivating, but ohh well.  

But the week before that was pretty stressful, and I honestly wanted to leave Joe.  We had an incident with the toliet and a toy truck!  Needless to say the toy truck won and we ended up paying the roto-rooter guy $300 to remove said truck from the drain!  That lead to an enormous fight, in which I left about 30 min before I was expecting people for a purse party. We didnt talk for a few days because neither of us would apologize, and till neither of us have apologized for the fight.

The boys went in for their evaluations finally, it was in a classroom like setting, and they loved it.  All they did for the past 2 days was talk about school.  Michael woke me up at 6am this morning so he could go to school.  and every day we left I practically had to drag them out of there.  So I think that they are going to enjoy school once they start.  We will have a meeting here in the next few weeks to see what they think is going on with the boys, if it is just a speech delay or if they have autism, asbergers, or add/adhd.

The baby had her 6 month check up, she is growing very well she is up to 15lbs and 27 1/2 inches.  She is in the 90th percentile for her height and 50th for her weight.  She has met all of her developmental milestones and is a happy healthy baby.

All in all things are going pretty good, we are all happy and healthy and I couldnt ask for anything more! Things are rough sometimes, but I am so lucky to be where I am and life!!

my fear

I am really afraid of so many things in life, but losing the ones I love is probably my biggest fear.  The one that is bigger than that is my children growing up with out me in their lives.  Them not remembering me, not knowing who their mom is. I think about Amys son, he was 3 when she passed and it just breaks my heart to think that he will hardly remember who his mother is, and it might be better for him that way, but how confusing would that be, one day your mom is there and the next you are wondering when you will see her again.  My heart breaks for both of them.He has to go through life struggling to hold on to what memories he has of her, and who knows if when he gets older if he will even remember the time that they spent together.  I know that they will meet again someday, but not being able to hug, kiss, and love your children would be the hardest thing.  Im sure that she will always be with him, but there is nothing like the mothers love, and its just hard to imagine going through life with out it. My mom said at their funeral Amys father mentioned that she was always kissing him, and that it was probably because she on some level knew that she needed to cause her time was limited.  So she got a lifetime of love in 3 years.

christmas list

Jonathan Antin Showerhead

wen

mac brushes

chi curling iron

chi flat iron (zebra)

bed sheets

northface jacket

northface fleece

running shoes

DG sunglasses

mac case (turq)

sewing machine

colts jersey

cubs jersey

nice camera

real pearl necklace (pink/white)

star jewlery

delias zebra sweater

white ceramic watch

Pro-Choice

This subject has come up quite a bit with me the past few months, and I need to make a few comments about it.  I am VERY Pro-Choice, I have 3 children, all whom where my choice to have.  I wasnt forced to have them or forced to abort them.  I cant understand why so many people feel that if you are pro-choice that you never have children, abort everytime that you get pregant, and of coarse your abortion is at 36 weeks.  

I myself have had an abortion, yes you may gasp now. They were both after I had the twins and they were both because Joe and I couldnt not afford another child finacially or emotionally.  Having kids is rough, it takes a toll on a relationship, and when you are trying to plan a wedding, finish school, deal with a parent that is dying, and try to get two infants caught up to where they need to be developmentally it causes stress on even the strongest relationship. I can honestly say that I do not regret my abortions, do I wonder what might have come from those pregnancies...yes but I have 3 beautiful, happy, and healthy chlildren that I am very grateful for and I woulnt change that for anything in the world. 

Here comes the part that some Pro-Choice people may not like about me, I am not a big supporter in abortions that are past the point where a "fetus" can survive outside of the womb.  Hear me out here, my sons (twins) were born at 30 weeks 4 days, they were over two months early.  Granted they had some issues, and were in the hospital for a while, but now at 4 you would never know by looking at them that they were that early.  Now if your pregnant and havent made up your mind by 30 weeks which is about 7 months then an abortion might not be the way to go.  Have the baby and give it up for adoption.  I hate saying that cause it sounds so Pro-Life Anti-Abortion.  But that is how I feel, now will I picket outside of abortion clinics cause thats how I feel...no, that is just my CHOICE and if someone feels that at 30 or so weeks of pregnancy that they want an abortion, so be it, to each his own.  I can honestly say that I probably woulnt have an abortion out of the first trimester unless there was a medical problem.  But that is what is so great about the country that we live in, I have that CHOICE to my for myself, and no one else can make that choice for me!