I get no peace...

I love being a mom more than anything in the world!  I love my kids with every ounce of my being, but it seems that I never get a minute to myself, even when they are sleeping I am doing something that involves them, whether it be scheduling doctors appts, dentist appts, getting things ready for school, doing their laundry, washing their dishes, cleaning up their messes or dealing with something that somehow involves them!  I cant even get privacy when I am going to the bathroom!  

I know when they get older I will wish that they were younger again!  And I love the things they do and say, but somedays I feel like I am about to lose my sanity!

i believe

I Believe...


That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The Same goes for true love.




I Believe....
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.



I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.



I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.



I Believe...
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.



I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.





I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.




I Believe...
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.



I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.



I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but
that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.



I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.



I Believe...
That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others; sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.



I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.




I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but, we are responsible for whom we become.



I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life Forever.


I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.



I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.



I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.




I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

no more babies

Well the end of baby making as we know it may be over here in a few days.  Joe is going in for the big V on friday, and I really dont know what to make of it.  I am happy with the size of our family, I think that 3 is the ideal number for us, but what if down the road I want another one, a reversal is kind of out of the question because it is expensive and the dr said that the way he does it is pretty perminant.  I keep telling myself that once my brothers have babies I will have it out of my system, but I see Elyse getting bigger, and I miss her as a baby.  Im not a big fan of being pregnant but there is something about the whole process that makes you feel so good.  You grow a baby in you, its an amazing thing, aside from the morning sickness, being tired, crabby, emotional and all that jazz.  But when you feel that baby move inside of you it just makes you feel all warm inside.  And after those 9 months getting to see that baby is the best feeling in the world!  So I guess that part of my life is over (or soon will be) but a part of me might miss the possibility of all that happening again kinda makes me a bit sad.

On a side note, Amanda is pregnant, which is exciting, a bit weird thinking that my baby brother is going to have a baby!  He is going to make such an amazing father, and I am glad that he found someone that wants to start a family. They are going to make great parents!

sometimes its like fitting a square peg in a round hole

There has been a lot of tension lately between Joe and I, and I really dont know what is going on with us.  We fight about little stuff and get annoyed with each other, but lately it has been pretty bad.  We have gotten into 2 huge fights over the past month.  I dont know what to do anymore, its like we have hit a brick wall and we keep on arguing about it instead of doing something about it.  I wish that I could say that we love spending every second togther, and that we are the "perfect" couple, but we arent, never have been probably never will be.  We are happy together and I see us growing old and grey together, but I just wish that I could figure out what is going on inside of his head.  He says that he doesnt feel like himself, and he just is BLA all the time, and I guess I can understand where he is coming from with that.  I just am tired of being his doormat, he walks all over me, treats me like shit, and half the time he seems like he wants nothing to do with me, for instance, for our anniversary we went out to dinner, half the time he was playing in his blackberry, I dont know what to do, cause if I bring it up I am the bad guy, but if I dont he continues to do it as if its no big deal.  

ARRRR, I am just so frusterated!

life

what can i say, my life is not what i expected it to be thats for sure.  i have always been a very independent person, i tried not to depend on a man in my life, i was always really close with a small group of friends, but had a ton of friends that i hung out with always.  as i look back at my past and look onto my future i think that this is not ANYTHING what i expected my life to be.  i have never thought that i would have had a family and a husband when i was this young...honestly i never thought that i would find someone that would stick it out with me, i had this way of making guys disapear, or was a launching pad for their true love.  every guy i was ever with bj (before joe)  cheated on me or left me for another girl, and i could never figure out why.  then i started to look back on all my relationships (friendships and boyfriends)  i will not fight for a relationship, i shouldnt have to, i shouldnt have to win someone over to be their friend or girlfriend. i was always so laid back and let people pretty much walk all over me.  and at the end of the day even if they did me wrong, if they called me i would be there for them.  i dont know why but thats just the person i was.  then i met joe, and he was different, he told me what he was thinking, he never let his feelings go unexpressed, and he was never sorry for anything he did...he was my polar opposite.  he was very open with me from the begining, and i knew from the beginning that he would be the one that i spent the rest of my life with.  when i got pregnant with the boys a lot changed, our relationship went from fun to very serious and somewhat stressful. i had never been serious with a guy before, at this point was usually the time one of us bailed and that was that.  but now i had a reason to stick it out or at least try to, i had two babies that i needed to try to make it work.  i can honestly say that if i wouldnt have gotten pregnant i dont think that we would have stayed together, i think that i would have ended it, but i think that there was a good reason why we were in the situation that we were in (aside from the fact that bc wasnt our forte) i think that we make each other better people, and that had things not worked out the way that they did we wouldnt be happy.

wow

Been a weird few weeks, Joe and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary, which it has honestly felt like we have been married for much longer, which I dont know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. We actually got to go out to dinner with no children!  But when we arrived at the resturant there were like 10 kids in our section and all of them were pretty aggrivating, but ohh well.  

But the week before that was pretty stressful, and I honestly wanted to leave Joe.  We had an incident with the toliet and a toy truck!  Needless to say the toy truck won and we ended up paying the roto-rooter guy $300 to remove said truck from the drain!  That lead to an enormous fight, in which I left about 30 min before I was expecting people for a purse party. We didnt talk for a few days because neither of us would apologize, and till neither of us have apologized for the fight.

The boys went in for their evaluations finally, it was in a classroom like setting, and they loved it.  All they did for the past 2 days was talk about school.  Michael woke me up at 6am this morning so he could go to school.  and every day we left I practically had to drag them out of there.  So I think that they are going to enjoy school once they start.  We will have a meeting here in the next few weeks to see what they think is going on with the boys, if it is just a speech delay or if they have autism, asbergers, or add/adhd.

The baby had her 6 month check up, she is growing very well she is up to 15lbs and 27 1/2 inches.  She is in the 90th percentile for her height and 50th for her weight.  She has met all of her developmental milestones and is a happy healthy baby.

All in all things are going pretty good, we are all happy and healthy and I couldnt ask for anything more! Things are rough sometimes, but I am so lucky to be where I am and life!!

my fear

I am really afraid of so many things in life, but losing the ones I love is probably my biggest fear.  The one that is bigger than that is my children growing up with out me in their lives.  Them not remembering me, not knowing who their mom is. I think about Amys son, he was 3 when she passed and it just breaks my heart to think that he will hardly remember who his mother is, and it might be better for him that way, but how confusing would that be, one day your mom is there and the next you are wondering when you will see her again.  My heart breaks for both of them.He has to go through life struggling to hold on to what memories he has of her, and who knows if when he gets older if he will even remember the time that they spent together.  I know that they will meet again someday, but not being able to hug, kiss, and love your children would be the hardest thing.  Im sure that she will always be with him, but there is nothing like the mothers love, and its just hard to imagine going through life with out it. My mom said at their funeral Amys father mentioned that she was always kissing him, and that it was probably because she on some level knew that she needed to cause her time was limited.  So she got a lifetime of love in 3 years.

christmas list

Jonathan Antin Showerhead

wen

mac brushes

chi curling iron

chi flat iron (zebra)

bed sheets

northface jacket

northface fleece

running shoes

DG sunglasses

mac case (turq)

sewing machine

colts jersey

cubs jersey

nice camera

real pearl necklace (pink/white)

star jewlery

delias zebra sweater

white ceramic watch

Pro-Choice

This subject has come up quite a bit with me the past few months, and I need to make a few comments about it.  I am VERY Pro-Choice, I have 3 children, all whom where my choice to have.  I wasnt forced to have them or forced to abort them.  I cant understand why so many people feel that if you are pro-choice that you never have children, abort everytime that you get pregant, and of coarse your abortion is at 36 weeks.  

I myself have had an abortion, yes you may gasp now. They were both after I had the twins and they were both because Joe and I couldnt not afford another child finacially or emotionally.  Having kids is rough, it takes a toll on a relationship, and when you are trying to plan a wedding, finish school, deal with a parent that is dying, and try to get two infants caught up to where they need to be developmentally it causes stress on even the strongest relationship. I can honestly say that I do not regret my abortions, do I wonder what might have come from those pregnancies...yes but I have 3 beautiful, happy, and healthy chlildren that I am very grateful for and I woulnt change that for anything in the world. 

Here comes the part that some Pro-Choice people may not like about me, I am not a big supporter in abortions that are past the point where a "fetus" can survive outside of the womb.  Hear me out here, my sons (twins) were born at 30 weeks 4 days, they were over two months early.  Granted they had some issues, and were in the hospital for a while, but now at 4 you would never know by looking at them that they were that early.  Now if your pregnant and havent made up your mind by 30 weeks which is about 7 months then an abortion might not be the way to go.  Have the baby and give it up for adoption.  I hate saying that cause it sounds so Pro-Life Anti-Abortion.  But that is how I feel, now will I picket outside of abortion clinics cause thats how I feel...no, that is just my CHOICE and if someone feels that at 30 or so weeks of pregnancy that they want an abortion, so be it, to each his own.  I can honestly say that I probably woulnt have an abortion out of the first trimester unless there was a medical problem.  But that is what is so great about the country that we live in, I have that CHOICE to my for myself, and no one else can make that choice for me!

past few weeks...

Well lets see what has been going on here for the past few weeks...I had a nice little eye injury, that set me back about a week.  David got me in the eye with a coat hanger that hurt like HELL!  That was a bitch let me tell you!  I thought that I had a pretty good pain tolerance but damn that knocked me on my ass.  Its all healed up now but I still cant see clearly out of it, which sucks but hopefully that will go away with time.  

The summer is starting to wind down, which kinda sucks cause I didnt spend nearly enough time in the pool this summer as I wanted to, but we still have about a month worth of pool weather so hopefully I will get some time in within the next month.  Joe has been working his ass off, last week he worked 70 hours, and I know that he really needs a break before either his back goes out or he has a breakdown.  Its been a little rough at home with out him here and when he is here he is cranky cause he is tired and sore, so it puts a bit more stress on me.  

We also go a Wii which is pretty awesome, we got Wii Fit for it tonight and I am hoping to get back into shape.  I need to lose about 50 lbs.  I am really going to make an effort to do it, and I know that if I dont use the Fit Joe will be a bit POed cause he sunk so much money into the system and the game. 

Other than that the kids should be starting school here with in the next couple months, which will be very nice for me.  I might actually get some projects done that I have been wanting to do!  The baby is getting big and I bet will be crawling within the next month or so.  

the kiddos

Well a lot has been going on lately.  The boys are pretty much potty trained...thank god!  They still have accidents and we still put them in pull ups occasionally but other than that they pretty much go in the toilet!  They have also been talking much clearer and using a lot more words to communicate which has made things much easier for Joe and I.  They will still be going to preschool in the fall for their speech delay because they are still behind.  I think it is going to help tremendously.  I am so proud of them and all of their accomplishments.  I never thought that I would see the day that they werent in diapers, but it has finally come! 

They baby is doing a lot too, she has been rolling from her stomach to her back for about a month now and yesterday she started rolling from her back to her stomach!  She is just so far ahead, she has had head control pretty much since the day she was born, she has been sleeping through the night since she was about 2 months old. Today she was putting her knees under her belly and trying to push off of them so I am pretty sure that she will be crawling in the next couple of months.  

Other than that things at the Bowman household are pretty dull, Joe has been working a lot and I have been keeping busy with the kids!

april 30th

I was at Target shopping as usual, and was ready to check out, I was next in line and for some reason I got out of line and started looking again. So the store was about to close and I finally checked out at 9:55.  On my way home there were a ton of fire trucks, cop cars, and ambulances on 30.  I pulled on to randolph and they just kept passing me so I figured something bad was going on. As I got closer to home I saw a sea of blue, red and white lights, and what looked like a huge wreck. I got detoured and headed home, didnt think a whole lot of it just a bad wreak.  The next morning I got up to feed the baby and it was on the chicago news, and then the names of those in the wreak came across the screen Stephen Hough and Amy Bartlemey, I kept telling myself that cant be Stephen, there is no way that can be Stephen and his girlfriend. I signed onto myspace and looked at his page and saw her age and it said Amy B. I was hoping and praying that it wasnt them.  I waited and called my mom to see if she had heard anything from my dad, she hadnt but called him and then came the bad news it was Steve and Amy that died, hit by a drunk illegal immigrant.  

It really shook me up, I wasnt close with them by any means, just had met them a few times, but I was really, really upset about it. I couldnt believe it, he was really a great guy!  My dad was hit really hard, and I know that it killed him inside, I hurt for him. He was pretty close with him, and had known him since he was in high school.  He was just short of a month from graduating from college, he was on the right path, just quit drinking, was going to graduate, and was going to propose to Amy.  And just like that some guy ends it all.  It really affected me more than I thought that it would, and I couldnt even go to the funeral.  Every time I thought about it I broke into tears.  

I think what hit me the hardest was that the accident happened at 10:10, which would have put me right there when it happened.  I kept thinking that it could have been me, what if it was me.  

Things that make me happy :)

*my kids and family*

*spending time with people i love*

*make-up*

*big purses...and lots of them*

*hair stuff*

*big sunglasses*

*t-shirts*

*flip flops in every color*

*magazines*

*gossip as long as its not about me*

*pictures*

*jeans*

*high heals*

*looking tan*

*my mac*

*white teeth*

*shopping*

*getting good mail*

*moments of quiet*

*tv*

*fashion*

*long pretty eyelashes*

*pretty eyes*

*candy*

*junk food*

*going out to dinner*

*music*

*my ipod*

*hearing a good song*

*clothes that make you look skinny*

*big jewelry*

*jewelry in general*

*my wedding ring*

*massages*

*pedicures*

*good weather*

*mini jean skirts*

*christmas*

*getting things done*

*relaxing*

*good hair days*

*long hair*

*good curly hair days*

*good, long conversations*

*pretty nails*

*pretty toenails*

*STARS*

*baby girl clothes*

*cute clothes for the boys*

*tattoos*

*ZEBRA ANYTHING*

*finding something that you really wanted*

*good sales*

*smiling faces*

*seeing old friends*

*happy people*

*looking back at good times*

*feeling excited*

*feeling of accomplishment*

*days off*

*sleeping in*

*sex and the city*

*writing*

*cool pens*

*positive people*

*getting complements*

*free stuff*

*good coupons*

*having all your clothes clean*

*internet*

*myspace*

*facebook*

*fresh shaved legs*

*having all the bills paid*

*clear skin*

...

I have spent the last 8 years trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  I am getting older and still feel like I am stuck in a huge rut.  I am happy with what my life has become dont get me wrong.  I have an amazing family and friends (although a lot of those friendships arent what they were)  I love my kids and my husband.  I never thought that I would be living in a beautiful house and be able to stay at home with my kids.  But its like something is missing.  When I was in school I really did love my major and liked going to class, and now I dont have that.  I sit at home with the kids, and do laundry, dishes and clean, and I love being able to be able to do that, but I want to find that one thing that keeps me motivated.  

the only peace that i get is when i am in the bathroom...

I find sometimes I cant get a minute to myself through out the day, and by 9pm I am spent.  Then its finally quiet in the house and I find myself staying up until midnight just to get some time to myself, so by 7am the next morning I am still tired cause I didnt get enough sleep.  I love being able to stay at home, its nice not to have to get up at the ass crack of dawn and go into work all day!  I get to relax in the morning in bed with all the kiddos and watch mickey mouse, make breakfast and then hang out with the boys and do some things around the house.  But somedays when the boys are out of control and the baby doesnt want to be out of my arms and the dogs are barking and howling and Joe is calling every few hours bitching that we dont have enough money to pay the bills I need my few hours at the end of the night to just unwind and be by myself.  Even if that consists of me playing on myspace, ebay, facebook and craigslist!  Thats what I enjoys doing.  

my birthday and my birthday present

So last week I turned 26, what fun stuff!! I got an apple macbook which I LOVE!!  I have always been a pc user but am a HUGE fan of the mac because I have ohh so many problems with computers in general.  It seems if something can go wrong with an electronic item it will go wrong when I use it.  I am the only person that I know of that has made a computer at the grocery store freeze up when I swipe my credit card through! I guess I have some type of magnetic field around my body.  

pump

I finally got a breast pump and I am really excited about it, as CRAZY as that sounds. I never thought that I would care whether or not my baby is breastfed or not, but I find myself feeling kind of guilty if I give her formula. Now I can give her a bottle and not feel so bad PLUS we are saving money not buying formula :)

me a collector?

I have decided that I am going to start to collect something! Every time my birthday comes up or christmas or any other day that people get presents for everyone says that they never know what to get me, and honestly I usually dont know what to tell them to get me. So I have decided that if I collect something that would take all the guesswork out of that! Now I just have to decide what I am going to collect...lol

work?!?

Well after I had Elyse I had planned on going back to work, but that didnt work out as planned! Our babysitter couldnt handle Michael and David, as well as a newborn. After calling countless daycares and talking to people about finding a new sitter, we realized that it would have cost us more to put all the kids in daycare than I would make working, so I am now staying at home with the kids at least until the boys get into school all day. Then I am planning on going back to school, but we still have a few years for that so things may change by then, but as of now thats my plan!

just to let you know whats going on with all of us :)

It really seems hard to believe but the boys, I mean Michael and David will be 4 at the end of the month! It just seems like a year ago they were born! They have grown so much and its really hard to believe how much they have overcome. I feel so lucky to be their mom, although some days they drive me crazy, I wouldn't change it for anything. All it takes is one smile, one kiss or one hug for me to melt. They are my little guys and I love them so much.

I finally have them potty trained for the most part, aside from the occasional accident, like today we were at grandma and grandpas house swimming getting ready to leave and Uncle Andrew got home and sure enough out of pure excitement they both turn around from looking out the window with big wet spots on the front of them! They love their Uncle Andrew so much, and get so excited to see him. Today they were so happy they got to swim all day and were able to pee outside in a bush when ever they wanted to!

They went in for a speech evaluation at the end of last month, they do have a definite delay but they think that they could possibly be autistic or have aspergers, they will have a full evaluation in the fall and probably will be put into a preschool program, which I am pretty excited about, not only will it give me time alone with Elyse but I think that it will be really good for them to get out of the house and be around other children the same age and who are like them! I am just glad that we got this addressed now and didnt wait until they were older and falling behind in school

Other than that Elyse is already growing so much, she will be 3 months old on the 18th of this month and is getting so big. She is such a happy baby (not that the boys werent) She hardly fusses and when she does its usually because she is hungry or has a dirty diaper. I must say that it has gotten a lot easier with her. She is pretty much sleeping through the night, which I am so grateful for. I am just so happy that she is in our lives.

I will be 26 on the 18th. I never would have imagined this would have been my life. If you would of told me 5 years ago that at 25 I would have 3 kids, a husband and a home I would have told you that you were NUTS! But here I am 25 with 3 beautiful, happy and healthy children and I couldnt be more happy. Funny how things work out.

just so you know!

I have made it my goal to start to blog more to let people know what is going on in my familys life. I will admit...I am horrible about calling people and keeping in touch, but hopefully this will fill the gap so people know what is going on with me and the family!